When I grow up….

The age old question that one hears a multitude of times in their life…What do you want to be when you grow up? I never really knew the answer to that question. I wasn’t one of those people that always had it all together and planned and plotted for years to achieve my goal. I was more like seaweed, tossed and carried with the currents of whatever my passing fancy. I was also a child of the 50’s when women were encouraged to be teachers, nurses, and secretaries to fall back on IF they couldn’t find a husband while in college and become June Cleaver and wear pearls. That is crazy to think in those terms in today’s world of possibilities, but that is the way it was back then. I wasn’t gutsy enough to rise above it.

When I went off to college, I thought I would know…beyond a shadow of a doubt…but I didn’t, so I continued to try out many courses to see where my passions lay. I got a generic degree, got a generic job, and then got married and moved away.

I remember a time shortly after my sons were born when I voiced that I just might want to go back to school to become a doctor because I had an all consuming desire to know and understand the workings of the human body and how to help my babies when they were sick. My Mother, not unkindly, but merely speaking from her generation, voiced, “people wouldn’t want to come to a woman doctor”…which squelched my budding confidence that I could actually do it. I harbor no resentment of that statement, because I am quite sure I was not alone in hearing those mantras of that time period.

As I watched my little sons explore the world with curiosity and enthusiasm soaking up sponge-like all of the stimuli around them, I was fascinated with the way they learned. So I decided to become a teacher because I realized I had a passion for learning and helping others do so. And, but more importantly, it would allow me more time with my own children.  I could keep them with me longer. Was that what I was meant to do? Was that my gifting….teaching?   I drifted into to it rather than marching bravely toward it.  Did I talk myself into thinking that it was my calling? Did I maneuver myself there or did God lead me there?  Do I now think that those were my gifts because that is all I ever did?

I’ve been grown up for a long time now. I followed a course of action, but now that I am no longer working and have more time to think, I finally discovered what I want to be when I grow up. I want be a person that uses the gifts that God gave me to the greatest possible exponential power. I want to align everything He has given me to pour out into His world. I want to believe that all of my life’s experiences and skill sets have led me here….to this place and this time to do something. I know that is what I want to be…but now the question has changed…what are those gifts and how do I find the place to use them? It’s hard for me to look into the mirror and see them. I don’t want it to be too late for me now that I have finally discovered my desire. I am hopeful that I will find it.  I am hopeful that one door will open and I will know that it has my name all over it.  I SO look forward to walking through it and finding myself exactly where I need to be.

“May He equip you with all you need for doing His Will. May he produce in you, through the power of Jesus Christ ,every good thing that is pleasing to him. All glory to him forever and ever! Amen. ~ Hebrews 13: 20-21

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One Response to When I grow up….

  1. Your story sounds so much like my own, Pam. I sort of “backed into” teaching – I know now that, though I was good at it, it was never my true calling. Writing was/is. I think it’s yours, too, my friend!

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