It’s almost Mother’s Day again. I automatically drift in a store near the rows overflowing with cards and I am itching to buy you the perfect one, knowing how much you loved receiving them. This special day, in which I was able to celebrate you for so many years, has lost its relevance in reality and now only lives in my heart. I wish you were here so that I could tell you how much I miss you. Sometimes it seems like yesterday and sometimes it seems a lifetime ago. I always thought I would have you with me a little bit longer.
I wish sometimes that I could lay my head in your lap and you could calmly stroke my hair like you did when I was little and I could pour out my worries and my fears and my failures and you could be there to tell me that it would be okay. I wish you’d been here to help take care of me after my surgery. There is just something primal about needing our mothers when we are sick.
I wish that I could tell you that I know…now…how much you loved me. It took having my own children to feel a love so deeply that it actually hurts sometimes, and I know that you felt that for me too, on my good ….. and bad days. I wish that I could thank you, face to face, for all the times you sacrificed greatly to give me the things that you thought I needed. Sometimes I think I realized your efforts, but a majority of the time I did not know the cost, emotionally or physically. I send my most sincere gratitude in retrospect for these generous acts of love.
I wish I could tell you that your precious grandsons grew up so beautifully and now have wives of their own. You would have loved the girls they chose. I wish you could have been sitting proudly next to me at their weddings so that we could have boo-hooed together remembering the day that they were born and wondering how time could have possibly moved so fast. You would have reveled in their happiness and would have loved hearing the stories of how their love came to be. Oh how you loved a good romantic story.
I wish that you could meet your little great granddaughter and hold that tiny piece of perfection in your arms. She is fiesty and independent, just as you and Mama were. Those genes somehow have filtered through time to land again and create a strong little lady. Oh how you would have spoiled her, just like you did her father and her uncle. And oh how she would have loved you, just as they did. I can’t imagine the joy you would feel to know that you have three more little ones on the way. You would be doing your signature cartwheels, I’m sure. Somehow, though, I believe you will have met them even before we do.
I wish I would have called and visited you even more in those last years because I know it would have meant so much to you. Forgive me for letting life get in the way. I know how desperately I love spending time with my own children, and their lives are so busy now. I want them to live their lives and I bet you felt the same about me but…..I wish it didn’t take so long to understand some truths.
I want you to know that you are in my thoughts as waves of memories assail me at the most unexpected times and it is then that I know that through these, you are always with me. In milestone moments that we experience, I can still feel your presence so vividly as I know how much it would have meant for you to share it. But even in the simpler ones like planning for football tailgates, Steve still talks about your legendary fried chicken and vows never to eat it again because it will never measure up to yours. Your memory most definitely lives on in many hearts.
I am hoping that when we see each other in Heaven we can sit down and I can tell you all of these things, and you will laugh and hug me and tell me that you already knew.
I love you Mom and I hope and pray that I honored you well. Happy Mother’s Day!
“Honor your Father and Mother (which is the first commandment with a promise) so that it may be well with you and that you may live long on the earth” ~ Ephesians 6: 2-3